By Kelly Zoeckler
Editor-in-Chief ’04
This is not an editorial about abortion, Christianity, conservatism, or Bush. No, friends, I mean to draw your attention to something that, in a perfect world, would be relatively frivolous and about as harmless as William Hung’s record deal. The Don Miller Morning Show appears to be a freshly baked audible treat for loyal listeners of 99x, a radio station-turned-empire that has graced the Atlanta area for over a decade. Along with the induction of the new, ambiguously named morning show (who is Don Miller?), the station has largely revamped itself into a Mecca for “new rock and nineties alternative”- rock adulation in its purest form, right?
Sadly, no. Although I do appreciate that warm, tingly, wow-I-haven’t-heard-this-song-in-forever sensation, 99x’s newest recipe for success calls for a few non-musical ingredients that leave a sour taste in this loyal listener’s mouth. Specifically, Atlanta needs to spit out Fred Toucher, the undisputed star of the morning show, along with his deceptive, agenda-pushing abuse of air waves.
My problem with the show has nothing to do with the “daring” bits (like Fat Kid the intern harassing some anti-abortion protesters); I am not one of those bitter, wrinkle-browed critics who call in to Stern-esque radio shows to complain of inappropriate conduct. Instead, my problem lies entirely in the way our beloved Fred Toucher, made famous for his uncanny ability to make fun of homeless people without letting them realize it, handles the criticism for his show by lashing out at his own listeners.
In response to Toucher’s on-air rantings about “psycho” anti-abortion activists, one particular listener had emailed the show. The letter preached considerably about morality issues associated with abortion and the show’s flagrantly insolent attitude toward it; the author was clearly pro-life, something Toucher is not. Although the text seemed coherent and evident of a decently intelligent author, Toucher proceeded to read the e-mail in the deepest Southern accent imaginable, emphasizing the poorly-worded passages and making it clear to all 99x subscribers that the author of this letter was not only stupid but a stereotypical Southern redneck as well. Then, at one point in the reading, Toucher broke out of his mocking accent, so inspired by the obvious stupidity of this anonymous pro-life advocate, to remind his listeners to please, for goodness sake, “join the ANA” (apparently to join forces against people like the author). What is the ANA? Don’t get me started…
Fine, fine. The ANA (Anti-Neck Army) is 99x’s newest club of sorts. The station’s website (www.99x.com) explains the listener-appreciation attempt better than I can:
…[It’s] clear to us that you, the good people of Atlanta, are sick and tired of backwoods, mouth-breathing, inbred rednecks. Whether they are yelling at you in the Dairy Queen parking lot or talking on 96 Rock they are a definite plague on society. The Don Miller Morning Show wants to put an end to this Camaro-drivin’, Lynyrd Skynyrd-lovin’, cousin-marrying culture and in the process reward our loyal listeners.
Actually, it’s a fine idea. A vast majority of Atlanta’s mentally-stable population would probably agree that stereotypical rednecks are a social problem the South needs desperately to mend. But here’s my question: why would Toucher purposefully hype this anti-redneck organization in the middle of reading an e-mail from a listener whose pro-life agenda opposed Fred Toucher’s? Why, quite obviously because all pro-life advocates are rednecks! They all have thick accents, webbed toes, and Lynyrd-Skynyrd tattoos! I think Toucher’s really onto something…
Give me a break. What I’ve been alluding to here is the fact that the most popular personality on 99x’s morning show has a poisonous tendency to characterize anyone who disagrees with his politics as the type of social miscreants set to be eradicated by his Anti-Neck Army. Directly or indirectly, he consistently classifies people with pro-life, pro-Christianity, or pro-Bush agendas as morons. If this is so, then a lot of 99x’s listeners are morons.
In another showcase of his eagerness to condemn his own listeners, Toucher made fun of listeners who called in to the show in response to his uninformed bashing of Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ” (he assured us that he doesn’t need to see the movie to know it’s complete trash- debatably true). A listener called in to point out Toucher’s affinity for raising his voice to annoyingly ear-unfriendly levels whenever the topic of Christianity comes up. Predictably, callers like this are met with ridicule; Toucher’s response usually sounds something like, “<in mockingly aghast tone> How dare you call me blasphemous! I am a man of the Lord! It is you who is the sinner! Pray for forgiveness or be condemned!”
Although I have never taped the show to keep a record of Toucher’s outcries (Why should I? I’m a high school kid with nothing to gain from any of this…), I have heard him mock outwardly-Christian listeners enough for me to know that, darn it, this is Toucher’s show, not the listeners’; if you don’t agree with what Toucher says on the show, just bite your tongue while he yells some more. The coolest part is that any callers who annoy Toucher too much can simply be disconnected. On second thought, none of this is too cool, considering Toucher went on national television to defend freedom of speech on the radio. Granted, it is his radio show; however, 99x is a rock station, not a politically-geared AM station. If you’re going to plug your own political values a dozen times during a four-hour period, at least let your attentive listeners contribute a different opinion without being humiliated.
As you might have guessed, Toucher is among the multitude of Americans who can’t stand President Bush. Apparently, this means that we listeners are subject to hear his predictably negative opinion every time the once-reigning Leslie Fram utters the name “Bush” during the news briefs. I don’t really care how Toucher feels about the Bush administration, I just want to be able to get a quick news update on my way to school without having to turn down the volume so that Toucher can rant about how Bush will turn the US into a police state. In addition to the physically annoying way Toucher shrieks out those high-decibel “angry sounds” when he’s beating a topic to death, it must also be said that his Dubya impersonation is totally weak.
All Bush-mocking aside, Toucher often breaks into that thick Southern accent of his when making fun of anyone who disagree with him, even when there is no evidence of his target having an accent at all. Some ultra-Christian lady in Australia thinks she has a statue of the Virgin Mary that weeps blood? Yup, he impersonated her with the accent. The powers that be want to place zero-tolerance policies on explicit radio shows? Oh yeah, they got the accent too.
If, according to Toucher, every moronic person on Earth possesses the classic redneck accent he assigns them, then they all must indeed be enemies of the Anti-Neck Army. Effectively, then, the term “‘Neck” isn’t limited to the stereotypical, web-toed, socially-demented redneck; instead, the ‘Necks include anyone whom Toucher disagrees with, impersonates with a redneck accent, and classifies as a moron.
The ANA (by the way, one exciting perk of membership is a bi-weekly e-mail from Toucher himself), is therefore nothing but a way for Toucher and his cronies to organize listeners into a group that’s more defined by the show’s anti-conservative politics than the solely anti-redneck ideals it claims. This isn’t listener appreciation- it’s listener manipulation, and it sounds a little like bribery.
There is good news, though. Aside from falling victim to Toucher’s own personal breed of political agenda-pushing and becoming one of the thousands of loyal 99x listeners deceived by the ANA’s flimsy message, you’ll also be invited to events like the ANA Barbeque. So it’s not all bad.
The bottom line for non-liberal 99x listeners? You’re more than welcome to listen to the show, but don’t dare submit any response that goes against Toucher’s politics. That is, unless you’re willing to be publicly characterized as a Southern-talkin’ redneck, just like all those darn pro-life and Christian activists. As far as I can see, Toucher’s influence on The Don Miller Morning Show and the implications made about the Anti-Neck Army equate to one disappointing conclusion: 99x’s morning show has become an elitist force that would sooner condemn its own listeners than accept any passionate advocates of a different political orientation.