By Michael Mayer
Sports Editor ’04

Capricorn (December 23-January 20): You’re hunt for a job isn’t going so well. You should eliminate John Mayer.–then you can have the job of being my best friend.

Aquarius (January 21-February 19): When life gives you lemons, make a lemon castle with flamingoes.

Pisces (February 20-March 20): For you, sleeping equals bad luck. Think about it. Last time something bad happened to you, you had probably slept within the past couple days. So, obviously, just never sleep again, and you’ve got it made.

Aries (March 21-April 20): You are the worst sister ever. Actually, it’s between you and that sister who burned her brother’s house down with him in it. No, wait, it’s definitely you.

Taurus (April 21-May 21): You have much potential. Reach for the sky, Devry!

Gemini (May 22-June 21): You’ve let people take advantage of you. Now stop, and make a commitment to being less naïve. In the meantime, I’ll just be over here not stealing your stuff, making out with your sister, etc.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): I’ve been doing some thinking, and it’s about time you Cancer kids got a horoscope. I’ve also been wondering who would win a fight between the sun and the moon?

Leo (July 23-August 21): Start showing yourself more respect. After all, who else is going to respect someone who can’t dress himself?

Virgo (August 22-September 23): Anyone you see who is funny-looking is most definitely an alien. Anyone who seems hairy is an obvious werewolf. Oh, and the people making fun of you for your imaginary friends are just jealous.

Libra (September 24-October 23): You can’t always get what you want. So get what you need.

Scorpio (October 24-November 22): You’re too negative. Try focusing on funny, happy things, like Clay Aiken getting hit by a bus.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 22): You worry far too much about other people’s opinions of you. My opinion of you is the only one that matters.